This post has taken me a while to write (thank you for your patience!). As you’ll know this is the first time I’m really talking about my miscarriage experience and to be honest it takes a lot out of me to go back to that time. I don’t like thinking about how I has feeling. That’s probably me avoiding the situation but that is just how I dealt with it. My way of dealing with my miscarriage was to not deal with it at all. I literally threw myself into trying again. Working out when my next period would be, when I would be fertile, when would be the best time to become pregnant again. I just didn’t know what the alternative was. I didn’t have any information or support on how to deal with a miscarriage… So I didn’t. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t miss my baby or wasn’t upset that I never got the chance to meet them but I didn’t spend any time commemorating the little time that we did have together and knowing what I know now, in terms of the support that is available, I wish I had taken the time to really remember my first love. My chance of being a mother was taken from me and I wanted it back. I was desperate and I’m not ashamed to say so.
I spent a lot of time trying to move on from my heartbreak, so I deleted the pregnancy app which I had downloaded. At the time there was another girl I followed on social media who was due days apart from me. I was so envious of her bump pics. I even unfollowed someone on my Facebook because they again would have been due around the same time as me. I just didn’t want to see anything pregnancy related. Why were they allowed to meet their babies and I wasn’t? What did I do wrong? A couple of weeks later, another person on my Facebook announced her pregnancy from her 12 week scan. It was around the time when I would have had my 12 week scan too. I just remember thinking so if they are the 3 then I am the one that had to lose my baby. I am the statistic. Obviously that’s not how it works but surprisingly I found comfort in knowing that. I think that may be because it meant that I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was just very unfortunate. When I realised I’d lost the baby my mind instantly went back through every day of the past few weeks, and naturally I felt the blame lied with myself even though that was most likely not the case. Even the soaps I was watching were running similar stories on pregnancy loss. In Hollyoaks, one of the character’s Mercedes had just had a stillborn baby, and in Eastenders Whitney was having a miscarriage. The timing just wasn’t ideal. There was a constant reminder everywhere and the emotions were still so raw for me. Even though it was only TV, when these characters lost their babies, I lost mine all over again.
From those that knew, and that was probably only 5 people, my miscarriage or baby was not spoken of again. I wasn’t really asked if and how I was coping and if I was I didn’t want to talk about it. I almost felt like I couldn’t talk about it. Not that anyone made me feel that way but almost like ‘well its done now what else is there to say’. Again that’s probably me not wanting to deal with how I really felt and those around me not knowing what to say to me. I just ending up feeling alone. I always had Addy to talk to whenever I was sad. Sometimes I’d just call him so I wouldn’t be alone when I cried.
I just want to say that I do not hold anything against my family or friends for not talking to me more openly about my miscarriage because I wouldn’t have known what to say if I was in their positions, and this is ultimately the problem I think, nobody knows what to say. Even having been through pregnancy loss, I wouldn’t know what to say to someone going through such a difficult time. Something I’ve recently discovered though are pregnancy loss gifts, which initially sounded weird to me (it just seemed like an odd time to ‘gift’ someone) but ultimately I think it’s a beautiful gesture. Things like charm bracelets, personalised candles and commemorative plants/ trees. Looking back I would have loved something like this, just to memorialise the little time we shared together. Not only is it a special way to remember your littlest angel but it lets that person know you’re thinking of them in such a difficult time. Sort of like an “I may not know what to say to you but please know I am thinking of you” gift.
Even though losing my baby was unfair, when I look back the timing just wasn’t ideal… it’s like the saying says, everything happens for a reason. Of course in an ideal world no parent wants to lose a child, but no matter how much I wanted it, it just wasn’t my time to become a parent. I had to do another pregnancy test a couple of weeks later to confirm the miscarriage had taken place which, emotionally, is a lot harder than it sounds. I got my first period after the miscarriage the first weekend in July and by the end of August I was pregnant again. And we was ecstatic. Little did I know this time would hit me so much harder than the last.