May 31st 2016
My first ever positive pregnancy test. I did two to be sure. For a split second I was happy, and then the panic set in. I rang Addy and we cried. We were just in complete shock. We had only been back together ‘officially’ for a month. We were both still at uni, both living at home… how were we going to raise a baby?! How were we going to tell our parents?! Once we’d gotten over the initial shock we started to get excited… we were going to have a baby! We’d always talked about having a family and it was always something we couldn’t wait to do, and even though the circumstances were not ideal, we knew this baby was a blessing and we loved them no matter what!
31st May 2016
We’re having a baby!
The next morning I immediately went to the pharmacy and bought the pregnacare tablets. I started trying to eat healthier. I was so excited! There was nothing more in the world that I wanted than this here, becoming a mum. I didn’t really get any morning sickness, some might call me lucky! When I had worked it out I was only about 4 weeks so it was really early days and I knew what a miscarriage was so the only person that I told was my older sister, Leanne. I wanted to keep it quiet until after the scan, after 12 weeks. I went to the doctor and was referred to my local hospital and was waiting to hear from them with a scan appointment. Addy at this point had moved back home with his parents in Yorkshire as it was summer break at uni. We lived hundreds of miles apart when we weren’t together at uni.
1st June 2016
I was at Leanne’s when I started to get spotting and cramping. Leanne rang the NHS 111 and they told me to go to the nearest urgent care center. The doctor there said they would refer me to the early pregnancy unit. This was a Saturday towards the end of June and so I wouldn’t get an appointment with them until Monday. I can’t remember the exact date. We went back to my sisters and I had a funny sensation it felt like something was coming out of me. This may seem a bit graphic! For my fellow ladies the best way I can describe it is when your on your period and a blood clot comes out. So I ran to the toilet and something fell in the toilet. It seemed to be a clot but I couldn’t see past all the tissue and I knew in my heart that I had just lost my first baby. I went to my sister and said the baby is gone and we cried. She was just as excited for me, this would have been her first nephew or niece.
5th June 2016
During all this we’re all getting ready to go out to my nephew’s football game. We go to the game and while there we meet my older brother. He could tell I was upset, I had been crying most of the day, and when he asked what was wrong I told him that I thought I was having a miscarriage. He comforted me and told me that I can take all the time I need to grieve but I would get through this. Up until this point I have still not spoken to Addy. I could only get hold of him by phone because of distance and with him being at work I had to wait until his lunch break. I text him telling him to call me when he was on break. He called me and I say.. “I think I’ve lost the baby”. He just kept saying ‘no don’t say that, it’s gonna be okay’, I could hear the heartbreak in his voice and it broke my heart even more. I was scared to tell him, not because I thought he’d be angry with me but how do you tell someone you love that the baby you made together is no longer there? He asked why I thought I’d lost the baby and I told him about the bleeding and hospital trip but he knew we’d have an appointment with the early pregnancy unit and wanted us to wait until then and remain positive.
Nappies from my first Emma’s Diary Pack – I sent a picture to Addy – They were so small!
“There doesn’t seem to be any signs of a pregnancy”
I got an appointment for an early scan on either the following Monday or Tuesday. With Addy being away and Leanne and my older brother working, I went on my own. It may be one of the hardest things I’ve EVER had to do. Looking back I honestly don’t know where I got the strength from. I spoke to Addy right before I went in and he told me I was strong and that he was proud of me for doing this on my own. I had said to him beforehand that I no longer wanted to go to the appointment because I knew there was no baby anymore. I cried as I walked into the hospital, took a deep breath and went to the waiting area. When I was called into one of the consultation rooms I was asked how many weeks I was, at the time I would or should have been 8 weeks. As I was early the doctor needed to do an internal ultrasound. I had a screen too to see what was happening.
The doctor’s exact words were “there doesn’t seem to be any signs of a pregnancy.” Even though I knew this, I cried. There was still the smallest part of me that expected to see my little fighter. One thing I always remember is that the doctor didn’t seem to be very comforting towards me. She didn’t say sorry for my loss and seemed almost surprised when I started to cry. In what was already a lonely situation she wasn’t trying to comfort me. Not that that was her job to but I just needed someone in that moment to tell me I would be okay. I then waited to have blood taken before leaving and ringing Addy. I cried, and again he told me how proud he was and how strong I was for going to the appointment on my own. Only god knows how much I needed to hear that.
In the space of one month I had loved and lost my first baby. A small part of me didn’t want to believe I was miscarrying. This was my first baby… I was young… This isn’t supposed to be happening to me. I was so uneducated on the facts of miscarriage. The doctors would often tell me, ‘we don’t know why this happens or why it’s so common’ and it is so heartbreaking knowing that it is so common and so many people could be going through a pregnancy loss right now. My baby or my first pregnancy would have been due on the 7th February 2017. Next I had to grieve for our tiny angel in the sky.